colossus thermal apricot pork [pork with ginger apricot sauce]

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The moment Protoss gets their extended thermal lance upgrade, you’re probably going to have a bad time. For Zerg, it means your little Zerglings are going to burst into flames. For Protoss, it means you should have it too or you’re dead. If you’re me, you’re probably going to lose horribly. Like, horribly horrible. Double horrible.

I am not good in a TvP situation, mainly because I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Because of this, I think Probes are terrifying creatures, despite the fact that they sound like very disappointed cats.

When ever I’m playing against a macroing Protoss, I imagine that I’m currently a resident of Frowntown. For those unfamiliar (aka everyone) with my stupid sayings, Frowntown is a city where sad frowny people live. Basically, anytime I ladder, I have a good chance to become an instant resident of Frowntown because TvP makes me frown so hard. So much frowning to be had. And this is why I’m still in Platinum…

Sad times aside, this post is about pork and what could possibly happen if a Protoss army had to cook it. Don’t forget, you’re the Aiur Chef and it’s your job to cook tasty food for your fellow Zealots. So, charge up your thermal lances, because we’re making a ginger apricot sauce. Awww yeah.

UNIT COMPOSITION

FOR THE PORK & APRICOT SAUCE

  1. salt
  2. pepper
  3. olive oil
  4. 1/2 lemon
  5. 2 lbs of pork chops
  6. 1 teaspoon of ginger
  7. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
  8. 1 teaspoon of crushed garlic
  9. 1/2 cup of dried apricots
  10. 1 1/2 cups of water

FOR THE CABBAGE SLAW

  1. salt
  2. pepper
  3. olive oil
  4. 1 tablespoon of dijon mustard
  5. 1 tablespoon of crushed garlic
  6. 1/3 cup of rice vinegar
  7. 1/2 cup of shredded carrots
  8. 1/2 cup of shredded red cabbage
  9. 1/2 cup of shredded snap peas or snow peas
  10. 1/2 juice of a lemon
  11. chopped chives

BUILD ORDER

Prep work should take about 25 minutes. Cook time should be about 35 – 40 minutes. This will serve 2 people.

OPENING

  1. Wash your cabbage, carrots and peas.
  2. Cut peas into thin strips.
  3. Add a teaspoon of olive oil to a pan on high heat.
  4. Place cabbage, carrots and peas the pan.
  5. Mix together the Dijon mustard, vinegar and garlic.
  6. Pour the sauce over the slaw. Reduce heat to medium low and cook until soft (roughly 10 minutes)
  7. Pour lemon juice and chives over the slaw and reserve for plating.

MIDGAME

  1. Chop up dried apricots.
  2. Place apricots in a pan on high heat.
  3. Add in ginger and soy sauce.
  4. Add water to the sauce — if the sauce becomes too thick, add a little bit more water. The sauce should have an apple-sauce like consistency.
  5. Reduce heat to medium.
  6. Let sauce reduce until concentrated (approximately 10 minutes).

LATE GAME

  1. Salt and pepper your pork.
  2. Add oil to a pan on high heat.
  3. When oil is hot, add in the pork.
  4. Let pork cook for 3-4 minutes on each side.
  5. Remove pork and place on plate.
  6. Add the slaw and spoon sauce over the pork.
  7. Eat!

If you’ve completed all the above steps, then you’ve won! GG WP!

If you’re a colossus reading this post, please do me a favor and walk the opposite direction of my base. I can’t afford to repair anymore buildings…

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